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"Hey, you! Are you a doctor?"
"Um, no?"
"Try that again like you mean it. That's such a nice fake stethoscope. Maybe you can succeed where your minion is so obviously lacking." His speech slowed, as if speaking to a child. "I want. An update. On Colonel Sheppard. They brought him in ten minutes ago from the bar down the street with a seizure. That's more than enough time for a diagnosis. What's wrong with him?"
"Look, Mr-?"
"It's Doctor. Doctor-"
"I really don't care. Yes, I'm his doctor. No, you don't look like his wife, so you get to stay here. Get comfy."
* * * "Sir! Sir, there's no cell phone use in here! Sir!"
"I don't care who is threatening imminent doom. You get me Doctor Lam, and you do it now!! No, I don't want to hold."
"Sir, I really must insist."
"Doctor Lam? Nurse? I said Lam. L. A. M. Chief Medical Officer. You get her on the phone right now, or-" *Snap*
"No cell phones allowed on this floor, sir."
* * * "What the hell - are these track marks? I thought you said this guy was a pilot!"
"So the man currently driving the nurses to murder tells me. Of course, he also told me that medicine wasn't a science, so he's very possibly deranged. We do know that he's military, however. If he's on something, it's not something that's going to show up on a drug test. Cameron, I want you to get down to the lab and get me those results."
"They said half an hour; why don't I just go down then?"
"Because Sam works faster if you show some skin. Shoo."
"Chase, I want you to talk to the angry man in the waiting room. Find out if he knows our pilot's drug of choice. You don't get track marks like this from your first hit; he's been at this a while."
"But I-"
"Did that sound like a request to you? Good. Once you're done you can track down his medical records. Foreman, I want you to get an EEG on him. And get him started on anti-convulsants once we've got the drug screen back."
"What are you going to do?"
"I have an appointment. I'll be back in an hour, and I expect to hear something useful."
* * * "You want next of kin? I'll give you next of kin. Do you have wireless in here? No? Of course not, you're a hospital. Why should you have adequate network access?"
"Sir, I really don't think-"
"There. Signed last May. That good enough, or do I have to waste paper on this?"
* * * "He's seizing!"
"I thought you had him on anti-convulsants!"
"How did you get in here? What is he doing here? Get him out! And get the patient another dose; he's burning the stuff off faster than we thought."
"Of course he is; the man has the metabolism of a rabid hamster! I could have told you that, had you bothered to ask."
"You. Get out!! Foreman, get his other arm. He's active military; he's going to hurt someone if he swings."
"Ow! I think he just broke my fingers!"
"That's why I wanted him in restraints. Did someone miss that memo?"
"John? John, you're ok. It's all right, you're safe here."
"We're safe?"
"We're safe, John."
"Huh."
"All right. How the hell did you get back in here?"
* * * "What are those? Are they legal? That's your third in an hour! Oh my God. John's not just being treated by a madman; he's being treated by a drug addicted madman. We're leaving."
"That might be easier if he was awake. Or, you know, released."
* * * "Uh, Carson? I can't see."
"I'm sorry, Colonel, there's no one named Carson here. I'm Doctor Chase."
"Oh. You must be from the new batch. Where's Carson?"
"He's not here, Colonel. Do you remember what happened to you?"
"Fell down. Rodney's gonna be mad, hit my head again. Beepy-thing's louder than usual, wonder if that's new, too. Have to ask Lorne. Wow, Carson must have put me on the good drugs; everything feels really weird. Gene's not working right."
"'Gene'? Could you clarify, Colonel?"
"Y'know. The Gene. Suppressants must last longer than we thought. Talk to, talk to Carson. He knows. And ask about my eyes. Kinda miss 'em."
* * * "This is a teaching hospital, so what are you? The student? Teacher's Aide? Because you're obviously not a teacher. Even the fuzzy sciences don't automatically equate fainting spell with cancer."
* * * "God, I can't leave you alone for ten minutes before you start hitting on the natives. Is this some kind of disease? You're a doctor, right? Can you drug him and make him stop this?"
"I'm sorry, Doctor McKay. I'm an oncologist, that's a bit outside my specialty."
"Yes, well you're an oncologist with a purple tie. Don't think I don't know what that means. You just keep your paws off."
"What? I really think-"
"Rodney? You're back. S'good. Missed you."
* * * "You jerk, you're probably catching or something. My hands are all itchy."
"Hey, not like we knew this would happen. I mean, you think I like being blind?"
"Oh, relax. The slackers here think it's only temporary, although they probably wouldn't know a syringe if they stepped on one. There's some chemical build-up that's screwing up your - wait. Chemical build-up. You're developing a god-damned tolerance. Why didn't I - I'll be back. I have to call the SGC."
"Rodney? Rodney?? I swear to God, McKay! You don't get back here, I'm gonna make Carson pack a knockout pen in my travel kit! Don't think I won't!"
* * * "I am never coming back here again."
"Yeah, I get that. No more bad beer, no more panic attacks, no more seizures."
"No more having to get Doctor Lam to sign you out of the hospital in person."
"Yeah, that too. I can get behind that."
"Oh, please. You were all over that oncologist; don't think I didn't notice. I can't take you anywhere."
"Don't worry. Not like I'm going anywhere fast. Just home."
"Yes, well, still."
"Get some sleep. You've been up since I was checked in."
"I-"
"I asked. It's my turn to keep the watch, now."
~ Finis ~